As is so often the case when I write in this blog, it is late - or early depending upon your point of view. Yesterday was a perfect afternoon for a good old fashioned family nap, and succumbing to that irresistible urge to snuggle in and listen to the rain has thrown my circadian rhythm into a tailspin. So, here I am penning my musings instead of sleeping and tonight's topic is one over which I have long pondered - the question of faith versus the church.
Some might argue that the two are inextricably linked. Others would say one naturally follows the other - if you have faith, then you must attend. The bible even says so. Hebrews 10:22-25 says:
22 Let us draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled from an evil conscience, and our bodies washed with pure water.
23 Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised;)
24 And let us consider one another to provoke unto love and to good works:
25 Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.
Any time I have raised with Christians the question of church attendance this is always the first and often only verse that is cited. Don't get me wrong, setting aside the fact that it is not directly Jesus' words it's a good one. It seems pretty clear that the directive is to go to church. There are other verses that talk about Sabbath, that talk about gathering together - there's also the example of the early church that would gather together and pool all their resources and that grew in numbers every single day. The people that Paul was writing to believed in church. They believed in the power of prayer together. "When two or three...." etc etc.
So, why don't I go to church?
I've long battled with myself over this question. I've run the gauntlet of COUNTLESS different churches - pentecostal, anglican, conservative, liberal, you name it. I can honestly say it's been at least a decade since I was FIRMLY planted in a church community. I started my journey as a non catholic Christian 100% sold out: I was a hillsong singing, bible believing, sold out pentacostal that prayed in tounges, read Joyce Meyer and Lee Strobel and Max Lucado. I sang the veggietales theme song and ADORED full fledged worship. I listened to sermons every single day and did daily bible study with all manner of fervour.
As time went on I felt like a veil was lifted off my eyes. I started to look around me and I saw the culture I had immersed myself in. As life began to wrinkle my mental health and my childhood trauma bubbled to the surface, I began to see that I was no longer fitting in quite as neatly as I once did. As my smile faded, so did the level of acceptance I felt from those around me. My social anxiety kicked in and soon I was attending less and less. I would go through phases of attending in earnest, swearing black and blue I would continue - but every single time I would fall away. Am I now the seed that never took root and now dying without fertile soil? Am I the lukewarm soul that God will one day spit out of his mouth?
I have wanted with all my heart to throw that veil back over my face and go back to being fully sold out for Jesus. It was spiritually the most fulfilling time of my life. I grew fast and strong. I felt unwavering, convince I would never be one of those wayward Christians who 'forsake the gathering of themselves'. Yet, here I am, the veil still lifted, my eyes still fully opened. I know that I don't fully fit in the church wold, at least not in any church I've come across in the last 10 years. They don't deal with things like miscarriage, or depression, or anxiety, or grief, or trauma. They want smiles, and dresses, and perfume and makeup. They want 'amens' and #blessed and I just can't conjure that on a weekly basis.
There's a part of me that questions the way we do church - we have this formula that everyone follows and cultural and social norms that are just there. We sing, we pray, we sing, we tithe, we read the bible, we listen to some guys opinions ABOUT the bible, we sing, we drink cups of tea and we go home. It doesn't seem to matter what church I go to that's basically the format with only a few exceptions.
Jesus actually had very little to say about church and virtually nothing on HOW to do church. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, how on EARTH am I supposed to know who God is. The only example I have to follow is Jesus himself - anyone else is fallible. That's the reason I left the Catholic church, because I figured out that everything that made catholicism was old predominantly white men interpreting scripture for their own ends, and judging by the eternal wealth of the catholic church they did it rather successfully. Religion is big business. Just look at Hillsong, or Bethel, or even the more mainstream traditional churches such as Uniting or Anglican or Baptist. They all make serious coin, and from what I can tell a good majority of it goes back into either running the church or evangelising others. Or worse.
I don't mean to paint all churches with a black brush. There's millions of Christians around the world doing amazing things and truly helping people. They do what they do because they believe with their whole hearts that this is what God has called them to do, and who am I to say they're wrong? There's so so much that I don't know, and so much I don't understand. But there's a lot that I do.
So here is my declaration of Faith.
I believe in God, the father the almighty, creator of heaven and earth. I believe in Jesus Christ, His only begotten Son, and I believe in the Holy Spirit, a gift given to all who believe. I believe in salvation through grace purchased by Christ's blood on the cross. I also believe that when you are saved through that grace you naturally act out your faith in Jesus in your life. The Holy Spirit convicts you to do better as a product of your conversion.
I believe that God loves everyone, but that God is also Just and so God has rules. I also believe that it is not my place to convict someone else of those rules no matter who they are or what kind of lifestyle they are leading. I believe that sin is sin, and we have ALL fallen short of God's standards for our lives. I believe in God's forgiveness, and I believe that God never intended for any of his children to use their faith as a weapon to judge others. I believe God is our judge. I believe my name is written in the book of life, and I believe that God has forgiven me. God will judge my heart, as he will judge everyone's and that is not my place. I believe that the reality of Heaven is NOTHING like what we think it is. I believe that the reality of God, and Jesus, and the meaning of life is NOTHING like what we think it is. No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no heart has known. I believe that each one of us has ONE responsibility - to love God and to love others - and finally, I believe that I will be shocked at who I see in heaven......
Nearly as shocked as those who have already made it there to see me!
No comments:
Post a Comment