The Noob with Saggy Boobs

I have written in blogs past about my challenges with church - how I've circled around and around city blocks trying to drum up the courage to go in. I've joked often about having to 'run the gauntlet' - a term I use to describe the line of eagle eyed 'greeters' always stationed at the doorway to nearly every pentacostal church (and often other denominations besides..) scanning the crowds ready to pounce the minute they see an unfamiliar face. Then there's the awkward introductions, the fake smiles, the probing questions - just typing this makes me feel decidedly sick. 

I bring all of this up because it turns out, my assumption that my hang ups were strictly specific to church environments turns out to have been in error. This morning bright and early I fronted up to a free dance exercise class at my local PCYC. Doing dance for fitness is something I've said I wanted to do for a long time, and I thought perhaps it was about time I gave it a go.

I didn't quite anticipate how I would feel going in - I wasn't so much concerned about the dancing as I was having to do it in front of loads of other people and having to do the whole 'small talk gauntlet' thing. I also didn't anticipate the entire room being lined with mirrors nor did I realise that looking around the room I would be the most misshapen, bloated person in the room. 

And just like that, all of my body positivity, body acceptance, I'm ok just like I am blah blah blah went OUT the window. I went from prothletising about how awful weight loss culture is to in one fell swoop being the fattest girl in the room, smothered with all of the shame that comes with that realisation. 

The class was....good.....I gave a thumbs up in all of the right places, sipped water in between tracks and painfully felt my knee momentarily dislocate during one of the first stretches...owch....there goes the last grains of confidence right out the window!

By the time I got home I felt.....overwhelmed. I ended up getting teary as I described to my husband how I'd hurt my knee and my overall feelings of shame and embarrassment. It's going to take me a little bit to regain all of that confidence I thought I had, and while I do I will need to be kind to myself and try to just lovingly accept all of me, including my bung knee, colossal hips and saggy boobs. I think I also need to start figuring out what it is about being the noob that triggers me so much.