To Rage or not to Rage....

Anger is something I have always had a bit of a love/hate relationship with. By my nature I HATE conflict, and by logic it should follow that I also avoid instances of conflict like the plague because I hate it so much. And yet, I live in this weird dichotomy where, while hating conflict I also grew up in a household with a functioning alcoholic who was also addicted to rage, and thus I never quite learnt how to do conflict WELL. 

Anger is a completely normal emotion, and it stems from a place of pain. While not formally recognised in the DSM V, many experts have agreed that there is an addictive element to anger that can become problematic. In an article by Dr Kurt Smith for Guy Stuff Counselling, Dr Smith explains that when we experience anger, or any heightened emotion our bodies instinctively change on a chemical level - what is often referred to as 'fight, flight or freeze'. When that happens, a large amount of adrenaline is released into the bloodstream, the same chemical that satiates bungee jumpers or skydivers. This chemical has a range of immediate benefits experienced by the person including the immediate relief of stress, an increase in overall sense of wellbeing and happiness, or the dulling of emotional pain (Smith, 2016). Smith also then goes on to explain that anger is used as a protective strategy by pushing threats away and by getting your attack in first when you feel vulnerable or victimised. On an internal level it also presents the person with an escape from having to deal with their own feelings and can be used as a self-soothing technique. That's not to mention the cyclic nature of domestic and family violence, or the self-perpetuating nature of trauma related to DV where the abused partner or child witness goes on to choose violent partners in the future as this is what makes sense to them. 

When you look at all of the ways in which anger can become an addiction, it's hardly a wonder that it's something I struggle with, though I am honestly starting to think I'm not the only one. I feel like we as a global society of humans are collectively becoming more angry. Here's an example - two days ago someone posted up a question on where to buy chokos.....I commented that my grandmother grew chokos in her garden when I was a little girl but that I had refused to eat them. An innocuous comment I would have thought! The response gave me pause - "your grandmother offered you food and you refused it - what privilege!" 

I won't lie, I was a little stunned by this shaming of my five year old self and my first instinct was to lash out at a fully grown man who wanted to be so sanctimonious as to judge a little kid for not eating all her veggies. It took me a minute or two to laugh at the absurdity not just of this guy's accusation but also at my response! What on EARTH do I care if someone I've never met and who doesn't know me from a bar of soap thinks that I was 'privileged' as a child!! After all, he's not actually wrong, I WAS privileged as a child in many ways. Not all ways, but many. I was white. I was middle class. My family all lived close by in a community that was all made up of people who looked like me. I went to a private school. I had friends and toys. It was this privilege that my father also used regularly whenever he perceived his parenting to be in question, often citing that his children were always clothed and fed and clean and provided for; and he was right in that regard, we absolutely were. I was also gaslit, and scapegoated, sworn at, kicked, slapped, beaten, grabbed, pinched, shoved, verbally abused and excoriated and humiliated privately and publicly on a daily basis. But that's for another day.....

My point is, I feel like we as a society have become addicted to the elevation that comes with the judgement of others. It seems like we cannot do or say ANYTHING anymore without someone pointing out how wrong we are, and no where is that more prevalent than in the online world where keyboard warriors can do and say whatever they like with very little consequence. The rising anger though can be seen spilling into the streets however. For example, just last week I was at my favourite coffee haunt one chilly Monday morning last week picking up a quick takeaway latte. As I got out of my car I could hear the council worker with the leaf-blower that is there EVERY. SINGLE. MORNING. at 7am droning away as he always does (a din far removed from anything respectable at that hour of the day) and as I shut my car door and came around the back of the car I heard the sound of raised voices and the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. Two men had approached said leaf-blowing council worker and were screaming at him with obscenities also not respectable for the time of day - apparently he had gotten a bit close to their brand new sports car and they were, lets just say, less than impressed. 

I did what any self respecting female Aussie would do, I gave them a VERY wide berth and pulled a face at a couple of regulars I recognised already sitting at a table sipping coffee as I walked past.  Poor Mr Council worker was left to defend himself as I, once again, avoided the conflict. 

I've noticed even within myself a growing level of frustration. Long before COVID I have felt the decrease in my own level of tolerance for any kind of discomfort or inconvenience. We are all stretched, now more than ever, and the struggle I am finding for myself now is to keep things in perspective. It's definitely a work in progress for me - the pause is sometimes the hardest part, but I'm learning to reframe my internal dialogue. For example, being slighted in my workplace used to send me into a complete and total meltdown, or not having people show up to my birthday party would fling me into an abyss of despair. Yet, more and more I'm finding that I'm turning my attention inward rather than outward to find a sense of worth and purpose. 

And now, when I think about that fellow who judged little me for having privilege, I no longer feel the need to defend myself, or her. Instead I would tell him that a true awareness of privilege, of positionality and intersectionality in society does not look outward: instead, it looks inward. Social awareness and truly working from a sense of radical social justice requires an honest, sometimes brutal awareness of one's OWN privilege rather than spending time and energy pointing the finger at others. Similarly, an awareness of our own emotional state, whether it be anger, pain, disappointment, frustration or a combination of all of these is far more valuable to ourselves and to others than the expression of these emotions in order to elevate ourselves and to denigrate others. For that reason, I am learning to shut my gob, to not respond, to not engage. If Shakespeare had asked me "to rage or not to rage' my response would have been that instead of lashing out because of the WHAT I instead choose to ask myself WHY - I choose not to rage, but rather to reflect.