I've had a blank draft blog post up for at least 3 days now, and every time I go to write I honestly don't know what to say. The truth is, I find it much easier to wax lyrical about philosophy, or sociology, or pop culture observations of the day when I myself am in a good headspace. Whether it makes me hypocritical or human, I tend to find myself a little speechless when I am going through an episode of severe anxiety or depression.
The last few weeks I have been white knuckling through, and finally this week the axles gave way and I fell on my ass. When people talk about diagnoses such as anxiety, depression, PTSD, Complex PTSD, etc the symptomology is always about panic attacks, sweaty palms, lack of energy, racing heart beats and thoughts - and don't get me wrong, they're ALL true.
What I find frustrating is all of the OTHER things that no one ever talks about. Nausea, dizziness and head spins, swollen gums and chronic jaw pain due to clenching, scar tissue around your fingers from picking skin and cuticles, Irritable Bowel Syndrome and the crippling cramping that often doesn't comes until DAYS after an episode, dissasociation and feeling like your head is not attached to your shoulders anymore, muscles spasms, neck and shoulder pain, lack of any kind of appetite, feeling sick after you eat (no matter what you eat!) - I have had and continue to have every single one of these each time my anxiety spikes. It's the stuff that people DONT talk about that often keeps me up at night. It's THIS stuff that plays on my mind. I am on a mental health day today at my psychologist's "suggestion" - and I am sitting here stressing that my boss doesn't believe me - precisely BECAUSE of all the stuff we don't talk about. This is what happens to me when the wheels fall off, and often follows me around like the cloud of dread in the pit of my stomach for days and even weeks following.
And it sucks. Just to let you know.
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