What do you want?

I was born at the beginning of the 80's, 1983 to be exact and as a consequence I spent my entire childhood absorbing the culture of the late 80's and the decade of the 90's. I turned 18 and moved out of home into college in January 2001, literally ending my childhood at the beginning of a brand new century. If you grew up anywhere around the time I did, you will remember a little Canadian TV series set in a town called "Degrassi" - there's been revivals of the Degrassi series, but I'm talking the original here starting with Degrassi Junior High in 1987 and then going through to Degrassi High following the lives of Caitlin, Joey, Spike, Stephanie K,Wheels, Yick, Arthur, Lucy and the rest. Degrassi formed a massive part of my sexual education: the episode where Spike confirms she's pregnant absolutely TERRIFIED me and swore me off sex for the better part of my teen years LOL The show was genuinely unafraid to deal with massive issues, and had I plugged in parents who were interested in what I was consuming I'm sure I would have learnt so much from the conversations that it sparked. 

By the time the kids reached high school, Joey and his mates had formed a band named the "Zit Remedy" (Yup, not kidding!) and they famously only ever had ONE song (also not kidding) - Some of the lyrics are below: 

Everybody wants something 

And they'll never give up,

Everybody wants something

And they'll take your money,

And never give up

So why am I telling you all this? 

Well, while I was thinking about what to write for my second blog post, it occurred to me that one of the universal truths in life is that everyone wants something: we are all searching for something, trying to fill a hole or a gap in our lives. We may ask someone "what do you want" and they might say " a nice car, flash home, a million dollars, a hot boyfriend" - and on the surface those wants do sound materialistic and superficial but in reality those are just topics. Scratch below the surface, what do they REALLY want? Acceptance? Admiration? Companionship? Security? Then scratch even deeper - what is that about? Where did it come from? Who are you trying to convince? 

I can honestly say that the majority of my life has been about proof - either proving myself wrong or proving someone else wrong. For better or for worse, the life that I am living right now stands in defiance of a lot of what I was fed as a teenager from my parents and from the world in general. Deep down inside, I am at heart a rebel - if I get even a WHIFF of 'you can't do that' my next thought will always be 'watch me'. 

So, taking my sociological shovel to that pile of whatever, it doesn't take a lot of digging to see that there's a lot under that. A fair bit of FOMO all entangled with a very externalised identity. "I am - because you tell me I am" or "I am, because of *insert evidence here*". For example - I am smart because I have a Masters degree. I am successful because I have a good job. I am a good person because I have a successful marriage. I am ok because I have a safe home. A is always dependant upon B. There's always a condition, always a string, always a catch. 

But what happens when B is taken away? What am I then? Take away the evidence and what is left? 

This is the unstable ground I have built my entire identity upon, and it's not sustainable long term. It manifests itself in a million different ways in my life - in all of the 'to do' lists I make for myself every weekend, in every condition I place upon myself, in every expectation I strive to meet, in every promise I MUST keep and every appointment I MUST be on time for. To fail to do so causes my anxiety. 

I am currently reading a book by Sarah Wilson called "First we Make the Best Beautiful" and in it she talks about anxiety in terms of yearnings - that anxiety comes from a disconnection to what she calls "Something Else" - that sense inside of us that there's something just beyond our reach that we are MEANT to know that we don't know. A purpose that we're supposed to fulfil, something we are SUPPOSED to do - and that couldn't ring more true for me if it tried. It's that sense of "Did I miss something" that opened my previous blog post - that feelint hat there's something out there that I just can't quite grasp. In the moment I might say that I'm anxious about the future, about money, about my health or my pets or my husband, or about my friend, but dig deeper ad it's really a lack of a sense of security: within myself and within my world that I am anxious about. If I had that sense of security, I wouldn't be anxious right? 

Sarah goes on to describe a sub set of humanity who she calls Life Naturals - people who were blessed with a biological immunity to anxiety who just seem to glide through life and who don't ruminate like I do. These people see things exactly as they are without their minds conjuring up a thousand other thoughts at any given moment. They don't constantly try to dig deeper, they don't try to second guess: everything just 'is'. OH how I envy these people! 

So my question to you reader is; what do you want? I mean REALLY, what do you want? It's an interesting exercise to take a moment and dig below the surface level and actually get to the heart of our deepest desires in life. After all, as Joey Jeremiah reminded me ad naseum throughout my childhood......

Everybody want's somethin'.......

The Beginning and the End

 There's an iconic painting put to canvas by Edvard Munch named "The Scream" - you already know the one. You can see it in your head. Even if you didn't know who painted it, just the name of it evokes its image. A genderless, identity-less figure standing on a bridge, formed by wavy lines with face in hands, mouth open in an eternal state of shock or surprise. Some might say despair. There are people behind him (or her) - they're not alone, and yet there's something incredibly lonely about them. And just like that figure, here I sit at 1am in the morning, well into what is undoubtedly the second half of my life - and I'm wondering "did I miss something?"

These thoughts are nothing new - I'm certainly no one special in that regard. Such musings are the same ones that cause husbands to cheat on wives, buy expensive sports cars or get hair plugs. They're the same musings that send women to get botox or liposuction or a boob job. Despite the universality of these musings each circumstance is different, as unique as the person doing the musing - and for me I stand on the precipice of my second act knowing that childlessness is something I have to live with. There will be no babies for me but adopted furry ones, no lineage to continue thanks to a tiny little piece of y chromosome that decided to go rouge, rendering successful child bearing as risky as a game of Russian roulette - but worse, where the odds are hugely stacked against you and the likely conclusion is pain, blood, void and death.  

This lack of legacy weighs heavy sometimes - it brings a whole new meaning to mortality when you have nothing to leave behind but a memory, a house, a vapour of love and joy that you hope someone else will notice and carry with them. But no blood. No family line. My husband's sister has three boys, but our line will end with us. 

You cant face that kind of prospect without considering the meaning of life, the universe and everything and something tells me that despite my limited geek credentials the answer is not as simple as 42. While my faith in God and in Jesus Christ remains, the details are fuzzy - I don't feel like I can glean the guidance and the solid foundation that I used to from religious belief. I live each day just trying to do the next right thing and most of the time I feel like I do know what that is. But the bigger picture remains blurry. 

So, down the rabbit hole I go. I am working out this thing called like just like everyone else. I'm 39 years old, I'm a fur mamma, a wife, a sister and a friend and I have no freaking idea what I'm doing. I have a lot to be thankful for, and a lot to be proud of. But the older I get, the less I know - so, just like 'the scream' this blog will be my cry into the void, and who knows, maybe someone will hear it?